I said that to God this week. In exasperation. In frustration that He obviously didn't understand what I had meant in the first place.
For the last several months one of my "go to" songs has been Oceans, by Hillsong United. The lyrics that have been on my lips have been:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior."
In my mind, when I prayed those words, I had visions of sharing my testimony in front of a roomful of people (which would definitely require some faith, as I HATE public speaking) or maybe going on an extended mission trip. Something exciting, basically, and something that fell into the obvious realm of what I felt stepping out in faith might look like.
What I got: financial hardship and learning to trust God on a day to day- and sometimes hour by hour- basis. I've been praying for months for God to take away this burden from me, to step in with a grand gesture and save the day, so to speak. While I can't deny that He has carried us faithfully each step of the way, I still wanted Him just to fix the situation completely and all I could focus on was "making it through somehow." It didn't enter my mind that I could use this to learn something of Him, and of how He cares for us. I hadn't thought of this journey as something that was growing my faith, of something that had thrown me headfirst back into His arms when I had started thinking life was getting easy and that I had it covered on my own.
When I finally had that "Aha! moment" and put the pieces together, that's when I rolled my eyes and uttered those words to God: "God, you know that's not what I really had in mind when I prayed that." I wanted to grow in faith, I just thought it would be different, easier, more glamorous even (you'd think I would know better by now!) The thing is, now that I see my present circumstances in that light, it's like a huge burden has been taken off my shoulders. I realized that God's not being silent, refusing to answer my cry for help because He doesn't care or can't control what's going on. He is quietly urging me to trust Him daily to take care of something that I obviously felt I needed to control on my own. It's still a daily struggle to remember that I don't need to be anxious, that God is working and that I sit in the palm of His hand, but the crushing sense of helplessness is gone and in it's place is comfort.
The biggest blessing that came with all of this realization came the night after I had this talk with God. I had this overwhelming sense that God was telling me He is using this time of growth and trust to prepare Spencer and I for a big change in our lives. We are in training for something we don't even know about yet. That idea got me so excited! I have no idea what form this change will take, and I'm trying not to speculate too much because we just learned what can happen when we try to shape how God moves, but there is an expectancy that has been missing in my life for some time now.
I'm so excited to see what God has up His sleeve next!
